Courting in the polygamous family

For us, it depends on how we meet the prospective. Usually, hubby meets 1st. He would prefer sometime that we go together and have. But usually just him. Then if things go well on the 1st "date" I will join after that. I have said before, I can get along with anyone and the fact that I will have only a "best friend" relationship with SW. So, for me, the relationship between he and she will be the most important.
Good topic. Thanks for starting it.

We have decided to "date" as a family. The first reason is because the potential wife will have to have a close relationship with all family members in order to make it work. A close second is to avoid sexual pressure. One on one tends to lead to sexual tension, and until marriage sex is forbidden. After we all get to know each other, we will begin dating with just the adults. But I would like to add that we are going to all have a relationship together (adults of course), wife with husband, and wife with wife, so that does influence our decision.

http://blogs.sltrib.com/plurallife/2007/08/courting.htm
Thursday, August 02, 2007

This discussion on an earlier thread is getting so interesting, I've decided to move it here, under its own heading.

I asked readers to respond to a conversation about courting I had had with two different couples. Here's what some have said:

At 7:23 AM, Question said...
While I haven't seen BIG LOVE I do think it has been a positive portrayal for the polygamous subculture if one can ascertain that by the viewpoints of people who have seen the show. We generally see negative portrayals of plural marriage in the mainstream media and HBO, to all reports, is doing a service in this case.

I would suppose that each family has to evaluate which approach is more likely to bring success to them. Acquiring a new wife is a critical moment in the life of a family.
It can either bring great joy and fulfillment or disaster.

It is at the beginning that the husband must take the utmost care, in his role as Patriarch of the family, to discern the spirit of the woman under consideration. It is possible, of course, that things could come together in a speedy manner, it has happened, however, for myself, I would favor a more cautious approach. Patience is a virtue, after all.

One couple told me they preferred that the first wife ''fall in love'' with a woman and then let the husband know about her.

Again this is a matter of personality, what the psyche of the family dynamics indicate.
For myself I find the quote above to be the way I feel is best. This was also the late, great Alex Joseph's method. I think many of us have seen instances where there is friction between wives, now being human it is impossible to always avoid friction, disagreements, etc., however it is in the sense of problematic friction, of feelings of isolation, intense jealousies, etc., that is what I refer to; when the man selects, independently, this can all too often become the situation.

It is a very natural thing for the women to love each other and I would think the odds are much better if the newest lady to join the household comes through the aforementioned selection process.

We are speaking of all time and eternity in a very genuine sense, so make your choices wisely.

FROM ANOTHER READER:

After leaving an abusive polygamous situation, I had a choice: to pursue marriage monogamously or polygamously. I chose to marry polygamously for the second time, because it was the abuse that was wrong and brought unhappiness not the living of "the principle." I have been happily married now for almost twenty years.

This is how it came about. After conversations with his priesthood leaders and his wives my current husband and two of his wives approached me at the conclusion of my divorce to let me know of their interest. I was not interested at first, but after thoughtful consideration and sincere prayer and meditation, at twenty-nine years of age, I accepted courtship...a time to develop a relationship with my intended separate from his large family and a time to let my children and I get to know him and him to know us.

We also spent time in activities which involved all of the families. But the courtship was just that, a courtship, a wonderfully romantic time dining, dancing, visiting and getting to know each other that rivals any storybook romance.

His other wives knew all about me and our "dates", unlike "BIG LOVE", the wives didn't orchestrate the relationship or become involved in our private time, yet they had total confidence in the fidelity of their individual marriages and that he would never be inappropriate with me in any sexual context, because WE were not married and HE WAS.

Now that we are married, I realize that each wife has her own individual marriage and sex life with our husband, separate and apart from the knowledge of the others. He is very honorable in keeping sacred our intimacy. We all know that he has a relationship with the other wives, but it is private and that gives each of us the confidence to act freely affectionate in his presence when we are alone together and discreetly affectionate around each other.

We are careful not to offend each other because we all love each other and this love has grown over time through mutual admiration and commitment to living honorable, Christ-centered lives

Our last 'courting' request was (this is honest) a message on Facebook. She was someone we had dated for a time years back. I thought it was funny. How the times have changed!