Jennie's list of questions

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Joleneakamama
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Jennie's list of questions

I met Jennie years ago on this site. She was a single mom with two adorable kids and she was very serious about finding a family.

This is Jennie's list of questions. (I thought up one of them lol)I thought they brought up a lot of good and relevant subjects.
I hope others might find them helpful in contemplating poly....or getting to know how others feel about all these issues.

Jolene

~Questions For The Husband & The Wives~
(If a question requires more then 1 person to answer please let me know the
answer for each person by putting his or her name next to the answer).
1. Was it the husband or the wife who first brought the subject of another wife up and what was the others first reaction?
2. How do you feel about it today?
3. How many wives are in your family at this time?
4. At any other time have you ever been married to anyone else and if so why did that relationship end?
5. Do you have children with anyone other then your current spouse if so please explain?
6. If you feel that this is the right thing for you and your family why?
7. For each member of the couple/family how many wives would you like to have as part of your family?
8. What are your religious beliefs and basic religious history?
9. Are you a part of a Group and if so what one if not are you looking to join one?
10. If I am not part of your religious beliefs would you want me to convert if we decided to become a family if not and we differ on this what religion would you want my children that I have now and any more that we may be blessed with raised in?
11. Where do you live? (I do not need your address just a rough idea such as your state or country would be fine)
12. Would you like for everyone to share the same home or for each wife to have her own?
13. What living arrangements would be ideal for you and your family?
14. Please tell me about each child that is a member of your family.
15. Please tell me how my children now and any to come would fit into your family?
16. Please tell me your ideas on how to handle things when a child does something wrong?
17. If or when another wife joins the family how would you like things like this to be handled?
18. What would you like the children to call everyone and would that differ for the two children that I already have?
19. Do your children know that your looking for another wife and how do they feel about it?
20. What would everyone call each other?
21. Do your family and friends know that you are looking for/have more then 1 wife and how do they feel about it?
22. If they are against it how have you dealt with that and or plan to deal with it if I or someone else joins your family?
23. Do you have any friends/family that are in a poly relationship and if so how are they treated?
24. How would the children I have now and any to come be treated by you?
25. How do you think they would be treated by your parents/siblings and do you have a problem with this?
26. What are the duties of the husband/wives/children in your home
currently?
27. If I were to join your family how would this change if at all?
28. If I were to join your family would you like for me to work or stay at home?
29. Does your family have a stable reliable income and is it enough to cover the needs of myself, my children, and any children that may come?
30. What would the sleeping arrangements be if I were to join your family?
31. How would we share the nights with our husband if I were to join your family?
32. Same question for the day time?
33. What is your opinion on birth control?
34. What would happen if one wife or the husband did not want any more children but the others did not agree?
35. Are you looking for a relationship where the wives would have sexual relations with each other and not just the husband?
36. Would there ever be more then the husband and 1 wife in the same bed/room while sexual relations are taking place?
37. What if there was a disagreement between the wives or 1 wife with the husband how do you plan on handling this and how do you handle this sort of thing now?
38. Will there be a head wife or will all wives be equal?
39. Will the husband be an equal to the wives in all things or will there be exceptions and if so when please give examples?
40. How will money be handled in the household and does that differ from how it is done now?
41. Please describe your home and is this the one I will be living in if I join your family?
42. If this is the home I would live in please tell me about the room(s) that would be mine and the sleeping arrangements for my children that would work best for your family? (my daughter will be 3 in May and my son 2 in May)
43. May I talk in private on the phone with the wife/wives before I speak with the husband on the phone?
44. How are the children of the family educated?
45. What is your opinion on your children having more then one wife for each husband when they are ready to be married?
46. How do you think courting should be handled for us?
47. How do you think courting and or dating should be handled for the children of the family?
48. Has anyone in the household ever been arrested if so please explain?
49. What if any problems do you see about a 22 year old woman with 2 children joining your family?
50. Are you currently getting to know any other women with the idea of them possibly joining your family?
51. Other then being/wanting to become a poly family are there any other viewpoints or opinions that you family holds that you feel I should know about and if so please tell me about them?
52. What degree of openness would you want about the relationship as a whole to the outside world?
53. How did you meet your wife/wives?
54. What site do I know you from and what is your username there.
55. If we have IM*ed what is your display name (not email) there?
56. Do you Celebrate Holidays like Christmas & Easter and if so how?

~Questions Just For Him~
1. What qualities does your wife/wives have that you think would make them well suited for a Poly relationship?
2. What do you think is your best and worst quality?
3. Please describe your employment if any.
4. What are you personally looking for in a poly relationship?
5. What do you think life will be like if I were to join your family?
6. Are you able to father Children?
7. If I were to have more children with you would you want to be at the birth?
8. What foods do you like the most and least?
9. What household chores do you enjoy the most both inside and outside?
10. What household chores do you enjoy the least both inside and out?
11. How would you feel if we were to become a family and are having our *special time* knowing that you have another wife(s) possibly in the same house?
12. Please tell me about you.
13. Please tell me about anything you feel I should know about you your family or your beliefs that I have not covered in these questions.
14. Do you now or have you ever smoked, drank adult beverages for non religious reasons, or used drugs if yes please explain

~Questions Just For The Wives~
(If more then 1 wife please have each wife answer these separately with her name next to her answer)
1. What qualities does your husband have that you think would make him well suited for a Poly relationship?
2. What do you think is your best and worst quality?
3. Please describe your employment if any.
4. What are you personally looking for in a poly relationship?
5. What do you think life will be like if I were to join your family?
6. Are you able to conceive children?
7. If I were to have more children would you want to be at the birth?
8. What foods do you like the most and least?
9. What household chores do you enjoy the most both inside and outside?
10. What household chores do you enjoy the least both inside and out?
11. How would you feel if we were to become a family and our husband and I are having our *special time* possibly in the same house?
12. Please tell me about you.
13. Please tell me about anything you feel I should know about you your
family or your beliefs that I have not covered in these questions.
14. Do you now or have you ever smoked, drank adult beverages for non religious reasons, or used drugs if yes please explain.

Justin (not verified)
Wow, that is a great list!

Comment: 

Dear J,

Thanks for sharing that list of questions!

Blessings,

Justin

"Listen, Hear,and Obey on time"

GroverP
Great List Jolene, thanks for adding it

Comment: 

some good questions your friend put to paper, could be useful to members here if relationships ever get to that point. Thanks again

Pluto8
Pluto8's picture
If we asked that many

Comment: 

If we asked that many questions of any single female she would never respond. As a couple with strict guidelines in our search I fully understand asking them, but it's obvious she has as many guidelines as we do, which is why we have not found even one sincere girl who fit

If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything

Psalm 144:1  Blessed be Yahweh my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight

Joleneakamama
Joleneakamama's picture
If we asked that many.....it is a lot of questions

Comment: 

I totally agree, asking a ton of questions like that, many of them personal, would be a bad way to introduce yourself to a single gal. That said, when Jennie asked us those questions years ago, we were not offended at all, rather, we were impressed with how much thought she had put into her search for a family.

Later, when we met someone who was interested in our family, we went over many of these questions in the talking and IMing phase of the getting to know each other. It makes more sense to talk about real issues then the weather, and until you find a deal breaker for one of you, the relationship progresses. Better to find the deal breakers early in the game then later, in my opinion.

There is a principle proof against all argument, a ban against all progress and which if persisted in cannot but keep the mind in everlasting ignorance, and that is contempt prior to examination.

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes~

Rock
concerning the list

Comment: 

The list is quite detailed and inclusive.

As for me...and most here are accustomed to my unusual viewpoints....lol...here it is:

It's not the questions that are bothersome, it's the reason why a woman would feel the 'need' to ask them.

There are many types of women. The 'type' of woman that does well in polygyny is one that is NOT 'high maintenance'.

The opposite of 'high maintenance' is a woman that is easy going, easy to get along with, not demanding, happy with herself, non-judgemental, trusting, accepting, and has no problem with following a man which leads the family.

A 'high maintenance' woman demands answers. She is insecure about herself, so she is very much wanting definition as to how she fits in and what she will get out of the relationship. She anal-eyeses everything to the extreme and brings conflict to relationships because she finds many things that bother her and she demands that they get 'fixed' for her to be SATISFIED.

Satisfaction can never be achieved nor given to a high maintenance woman. ..it is impossible. The only remedy for the malady is to be taught how to let go of the insecurity and fears which impinge on her mind ....and . ...that remedy takes years of effort from a very patient and strong man, but it can be done. ...

Although the list of questions is apparently 'valid'...the list of questions do reflect the perceived 'needs' of an insecure woman trying to find satisfaction rather than a woman that is happy with herself. ...and a woman that is happy with herself would not be so concerned with the importance of many of those questions. ...because her happiness would not be dependent on the answers as would the high maintenance woman.

ok..i'm ready to take a beating on this :) fire away!

Rock

Isabella
I agree

Comment: 

I think you are 100% right Rock. It sounds controlling to me.

babe (not verified)
The List

Comment: 

People are. Ideals aren't.

One of the things people do is try to wrap their minds around a concept, structure it, define it, mark out the lines of what is right and what is wrong. We all do that. . . .

The next thing we do is realize some others, some specific persons we know, are not our ideal, or are not "right" somehow. We go down the road looking for someone who is "right". Sometimes we think we find such a person, such persons. . . . . sometimes we go a long way quite happily with that trust. But almost always, our ideal and/or our trust is shattered, somehow. We lose faith, we decide the ideal was an illusion or worse. After a number of times facing that, it might dawn upon us that neither are we, personally, the Ideal we seek.

The better way to go would be to love people as we find them, perhaps still looking for some ideals, but instead of making idols of them, instead of writing such "lists", consider them as perhaps things to work on personally, first of all. Not forgetting to love ourselves, though.

People do adjust throughout life to the needs of their times, we can all learn something, we can all do better. Cutting people out of our lives because they are not perfect, by any measure of judgment or by any "List", just isn't the right idea about having friends because it's only use to to eliminate friends from our circle.

Accepting others as they are can sometimes give you a chance to help them, and sometimes they will respond in a positive way and grow towards being better people. Good friends are the ones who will lift others, in kindness and love, day in and day out, regardless of our failings.

Being such a friend in not a waste of time.

All that said, people with Lists need respect, understanding and love, too.

Rock
re list

Comment: 

hey babe,

this sentence:

"All that said, people with Lists need respect, understanding and love, too."

i totally agree.

yet.

Who we choose to unite with and who we choose to respect are two very diferent things.

Joleneakamama
Joleneakamama's picture
The list of questions revisited

Comment: 

The reason I shared this list in the first place, was I thought it brought up real and relevant issues.

When contemplating a future with someone, knowing where your wannabe hubby or wife stands on these subjects helps give you a clearer picture of what the happy ever after looks like.

Just my opinion though.

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes~

Pluto8
Pluto8's picture
Holy thread resurrection!

Comment: 

Wait until you have been utterly betrayed by a long term "friend" before handing out relationship advice

And respect must be earned or it's pointless

Psalm 144:1  Blessed be Yahweh my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight

Pluto8
Pluto8's picture
Hope...

Comment: 

we absolutely have it, in Christ-Messiah, but not in men

Psalm 144:1  Blessed be Yahweh my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight

Savrula
Savrula's picture
I agree

Comment: 

Thank you for sharing the list.  Can I get the list the Husband and the asks her?  I am being serious.  Those are to me cosidered a good thought pattern.  We can ask the questions we want, we don't have to stick to all of them, so please if you have the list the oncoming wife was asked, please share and if the community don't want to read it, please send me a private message.  I like all those medical, smoking and private questions.  

Adriana

Joleneakamama
Joleneakamama's picture
Lists

Comment: 

That was Jennie's list. I have no idea if she ever got one handed back to her, or found a family.

Most people have some issues they feel strongly about. One of my sisters broke things off completely with a young man she was quite serious about, because he would not do any studying about vaccinations.

I think questions are a good way to get to know someone, or at least where they are in regards to certain subjects.

Welcome to the site!

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes~

SemiDotInfoTech
SemiDotInfoTech's picture
This is big question list.

Comment: 

This is big question list.

SeekerOfTruth
SeekerOfTruth's picture
A man is the

Comment: 

Leader of his family.
Do you believe this and desire to follow?

Does your current wife believe and practice?

If so other questions become redundant.

Many of the others should just be a common courtesy.

Enough said.

The simpler the better.

Apostle
84 questions on her list

Comment: 

If you were 20 years old you die of old age by the time you got all those questions answered. To me there are just a few simple questions you can ask to find out about people. Most things you learn about someone is after you enter into a relationship with them. I have been married to my wife over 17 years and we're still learning things about each other.

To me one of the biggest questions is to find out why somebody wants to live in polygamy. It just blows me away some of the answers I've gotten.

Following are some of the answers I have been given.

Because men that have two or more wives are more Verile than monogamous men.

Everybody cheats in monogamy so I might as well live polygamy.

I can't seem to make monogamy work so I thought I would try polygamy.

I can have my own house.

I can go to college and not worry about how I'm going to pay for it.

I want to try it and see if it's for me.

I watched a Sister Wives and thought it would be nice to have sisters.

The list goes on and on and on.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

Joleneakamama
Joleneakamama's picture
Spoken like a man......for sure

Comment: 

But there is a point and place where the woman has some control of her future, and it is best used to maximum effect because once she commits, and says "I do" (more accurately "I will") she has very little scriptural recourse.

Most men on the other hand, expect to be head of the house, and IF the man is a good leader, treats his wife with love, and is respectable, he may do alright making a spontaneous decision and marrying a woman he knows little about.
The woman on the other hand, traditionally (and biblically) is under the authority of the man. As I understand it she does not have the ability to divorce her husband, and is clearly instructed to submit to him.

You said "Most things you learn about someone is after you enter into a relationship with them."

This for the woman would be like you signing a LIFE LONG CONTRACT that puts your "boss" in charge of you in every respect, and let's him make decisions about you and your children including health care, vaccinations, schooling, (public or home, and can the wife go back to school?) etc. He also has the ability to fire ( divorce ) you, AND for a plural wife, there is not usually anything legally binding that would ensure the wife gets ANYTHING AT ALL!

Now let's do some math, because you are looking for a "job." You post on a poly site and have dozens of couples/families all trying to "sign you." Some are total jerks, and easily eliminated, but a lot seem nice. Why not ask questions, even a lot of them, so you can start to get a fleshed out picture of what each has to offer, or what life with them may be like?

I have a neighbor that applied for a teaching position at a State University. She had DAYS of interviews, and had to meet and talk with every other professor at the school! It was an extensive process.

Think about what schools do when they are trying to sign an athlete. They pay to bring them out, and show off what their school has to offer!

Would you sign on a whim?
Or really be willing to gamble, and choose one after a few simple questions? Maybe you would..... but we all know that might not end well.

Admittedly, a lot of those questions would not even come up with a monogamous courtship between a couple. But you already pointed out that some looking for polygyny are not well grounded. We know some are desperate, and not all are honest. The more they say about themselves, and the more questions they answer, the more likely they are to goof up, and reveal inconsistencies.
And if someone wants to eliminate themselves from consideration by refusing to discuss these kinds of things, do you really think the gal with a few dozen messages ....and offers.....to try and sort through and answer is going to notice?

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes~

Pluto8
Pluto8's picture
have a crush on me, the women do too, lol

Comment: 

Yet you are single. Look in the mirror

Psalm 144:1  Blessed be Yahweh my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight

SeekerOfTruth
SeekerOfTruth's picture
nicoleplusluv

Comment: 

The answers those people have given you all relate to Isaiah chapter 3 says the women will rule over you the children are your princesses one figures that out will have a good understanding, those women don't want a husband they want a wife. There is one profile on here where it is blatantly obvious the woman wants the man to be her wife.

"true love's kiss," is one of the biggest jokes ever perpetrated upon the human race.
The idea love just happens or is whimsical has been the downfall of millions of relationships.

The simpler the better.

Apostle
Seekeroftruth

Comment: 

Today's modern woman will not hear that. They believe submission is a dirty word except when the husband submits to them. The scriptures even say the woman's desire will be to you which roughly translated means the woman will desire to rule over you. No where in the scriptures have you ever found where a woman chooses her husband. The man always made the choice. The sad thing is the people of God desire the ways of the world and to do things the way of the world more than they desire to do the will of God and the way of God. And people wonder why homes are in such tatters today. I get so tired of those gelded men or I should say gelded males that will tell you they are a feminist man and support feminism. Feminism goes against everything God stands for.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

SeekerOfTruth
SeekerOfTruth's picture
Having reread the list

Comment: 

I have to agree with apostle.

It almost sounds the man is being interviewed to see if he is to be hired.

Yes the man always chose in Scripture. Another backward theme in our society is it's the woman's choice. Your scales back to a previous comment that choice is the root of unhappiness.

The simpler the better.

Pluto8
Pluto8's picture
Jezebel spirit

Comment: 

Scripture is quite clear, single women are to quickly marry in submission to their husband so that they will have coveture, and not be a societal detriment.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYN2XJM3qJk

Psalm 144:1  Blessed be Yahweh my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight

Apostle
Again you confuse a child with a grown woman

Comment: 

No one is talking about child Brides. 99.99% of women in this country have no concept what God's ways are. You can tell by the way they conduct themselves the way they dress just the way they behave in general.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

SeekerOfTruth
SeekerOfTruth's picture
The point

Comment: 

Is being missed.

Nowhere in the bible does it say a woman is relegated to the house duties only, Proverbs 31? That woman was buying land, buying crops... she had others under her Authority.

My reference to removal of choice was regarding a woman ending a perfectly good relationship because there might be something better.

For the man being the one that made the choice: Oftentimes the woman's parents or she herself would let it be known she was interested, then it was his choice whether or not he accepted her as a wife. The Book of Ruth.

In regards to where a man chased a woman in the Bible that usually turned out badly, King David being an example. Twice he pursued a woman both of those relationships caused him grief. Although in one instance he is just insisting on the return of his wife whom saul had given to another as wife.

I still stand by statement that love as it as known today in our culture was unknown in the rest of the world until rather recently.

The simpler the better.

Joleneakamama
Joleneakamama's picture
Even biblical slavery was voluntary

Comment: 

If a slave ran away, he was not to be returned to his master.

If God cared about the liberty and free will of slaves, what makes you men think women did not have choice?

In Genesis Rebecca's father approved of her marriage to Isaac, this is after the men had already determined that prayers had been answered, and this was the hand of God at work, then they asked her if she would go with Abraham's servant. After she agreed to go they blessed her.

I see the verses in the bible that first address divorce as instructing the man to free his wife, who can 'find no favor in his eyes,' because I do believe God cares about women and the way they are treated.

I'm not suggesting you men don't love, or value your wives, but then not all men are believers, and I have certainly seen at least one marriage in which the man was hyper critical of his wife, and she could do NOTHING right. He would never have divorced her.....but if he could not be happy with her, I really believe he should have.

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes~

Apostle
Cherry picking the scriptures

Comment: 

That's what I see. I know God blessed me with a wonderful wife. She's more than I could have ever dreamed or prayed for. She submits because she wants to she dresses modestly and she's an awesome mom. I can honestly say I have never met a woman like her in my life and everyday I look at her I know of God's great love for me because he gave her to me. She is a very Godly woman and she get sick to her stomach over the way women behave nowadays. I can tell you one thing no matter how interested I ever become in a woman unless she dresses modest I lose all interest in her. Me personally I do not believe a woman has any business showing her cleavage in public or wearing her clothes where her breasts are about to fall out. So while all these single women or trying to find somebody using the world's wisdom I will enjoy the wife that God has granted me.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

Joleneakamama
Joleneakamama's picture
Cherry picking what scriptures?

Comment: 

I'm glad you have a wonderful wife, but what does that have to do with the subject?

She chose you, you chose her. A woman is not a jezabell if she refuses a suitor.
You accuse me of cherry picking scriptures, but that is a vague and broad accusation. That sounds like an excuse for not dealing with the scriptures I referred to.

Ruth was mentioned in an earlier post, and what she did amounted to proposing marriage. She liked what she saw in ole Boaz. You can bet she would NOT have been open to just any proposition. Part of what impressed Boaz was she was not interested in, or flirting with, the young men. So it seems there was mutual admiration.

I think most would agree that is ideal.
Like the old saying "Good business is when both parties feel they got the better side of the deal."

I'm telling my children to avoid marrying anyone who feels you are blessed to have them for a partner. Choose someone who feels blessed to have you!

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes~

Apostle
I didn't say anything about a jezebel

Comment: 

You have me confused with someone else. I am telling my children to marry whom God tells you to marry.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

Joleneakamama
Joleneakamama's picture
No confusion

Comment: 

Pluto mentioned Jezabel, and I assumed you saw that.

You were the one talking about cherry picking....but you only mentioned the one point that you could brush off as not directed at you? No comment on the rest??

I agree one should be seeking God's will. That was my prayer from age 14, I wanted to wait for who God had for me.

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes~

Apostle
You cherry pick the scriptures

Comment: 

You do what most pastors and church goers do. You pick scriptures you think validate your point but ignore the rest of the scriptures that go along with the part you chose. You have to take scripture as a whole not cherry pick.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

Pluto8
Pluto8's picture
Now we got female preachers

Comment: 

And we can see if we look at those passages that what we are seeing is a fantasy interpretation, which is why women are not to teach or debate in public with other adults, and as Paul reasserted, to be in silence during meetings/gatherings

1st Timothy 2

8Therefore I want the men everywhere to pray, lifting up holy hands without anger or disputing. 9I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, 10but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.

11A womana should learn in quietness and full submission. 12I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man;b she must be quiet. 13For Adam was formed first, then Eve. 14And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. 15But womenc will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Watch the youtube video I posted, above

Psalm 144:1  Blessed be Yahweh my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight