Archive - Plual Wife Blog - What is the Love of a Sister Wife?

http://pluralwife.blogspot.com/2005_08_01_archive.html

How does one explain what it means to love another woman in our culture? We get asked over and over, "Why do you live polygamy or want to live polygamy?" "What benefits are there?"

These questions are not easily answered because the answers are complex and deeply, personally meaningful to those who choose to practice plural marriage. My reasons will be different from another woman's reasons, though we may both have strong religious belief in plural marriage as a tenet of our religion. When I really feel inclined, I might share some heartfelt feelings about an experience I had with a woman who at one point could have become a part of our family (but ultimately decided to continue on her separate path).

When I first met her, she already shared a history with my husband. They had been friends years ago but lost touch as both married other people and built families of their own. She was a sweet woman, and I could tell that she was a naturally adventurous and playful person, but at the time we met, she was grieving the breakdown of her marriage and wrestling with intense feelings of personal failure. She was searching for a will to live in a world that had been cruel and heartless toward her, returning harsh criticisms for her gestures of kindness. She and my husband made an instantaneous, emotional connection that put me on the alert.

Had we been average monogamists, I would probably have felt very threatened by such a thing. I don't have a monogamous view of my marriage, neither do I hold monogamy out as the ideal relationship, so I wasn't intensely threatened. I was, however, mildly threatened, and very intrigued. She and I had a charged first meeting, both of us feeling sensitized to each other by a shared emotional bond with the same man. She and my husband spent a lot of time chatting over the next several weeks, discussing the events of the past several years, and their feelings on marriage and divorce, and how their religious beliefs differed.

My feelings were a mixture of confusion, anticipation, fear, excitement, suspicion and curiosity. What did this mean to me? How could this friendship ultimately affect me? Could this woman become a sister wife? Would she become interested in my husband, but not in our family? What if she just wanted to take him away from us?

The first occasion we came together for dinner, she and I both struggled emotionally. I wanted to be accepting and welcoming, but inside, I was scared. I have suffered the loss of a sister wife. The feelings of rejection run deep. I knew this woman wanted friendship, but did she really want MY friendship, or just my husband's? I don't think she even knew, because she was dealing with her own confused feelings and the turmoil of the dissolution of her marriage.

We knew that we had to take great care in our interactions with her. Because she was in a vulnerable place, we didn't want to take advantage of that in any way in creating a relationship with her. We didn't know where that relationship might lead, but we certainly didn't want to steer it. We decided, instead, to just be her friends, and allow the relationship to be natural.

I wonder if you can understand how hard that can be. Natural is not as easy as you think, when you're making room for another woman in your husband's feelings and life. Where do your own feelings come in? How do you create a relationship of your own with this woman without pushing too hard, or hovering too far in the background? How much space do you give them?

It gave me an opportunity to test my own relationship with my husband, how much I trust him, how much I don't. I learned that I did trust him, but I also knew then as I know now that my trusting him does not mean that I allow myself to become competely dependent upon him for my happiness. We're team players charting our course together, interdependent with each other as we move forward through life. Should that life open a door to another woman, and another, to come along, I'm willing to link arms and walk together.

At one point during dinner, I had to drive one of my children to a friend's house. As I headed home, the quiet peace of the empty car afforded me privacy enough to pour out my heart and soul to God. I cried and prayed and asked for wisdom and guidance. I wiped my tears and determined to take this woman at face value, a woman who was reaching out to our family for support and love. I decided that there was no threat in giving love, no harm in sharing love, and so I would give it to her.

A few days later, she called me. She began by explaining that she has prayed for years that the Lord would send her someone that she could love, not someone who would love her but someone she could love who would accept that love. I thought, "Here it comes, she's going to tell me that she knows that someone is my husband." What she said instead was that she knew that someone was me.

I didn't know what to say. I had not, at any time, expected that she might be looking to GIVE love. I had thought that she was the one in need and that I was going to be the giver. The sudden, unexpected feelings that poured through me in response to her comments were overwhelming. I admit that I didn't know what to think. I didn't know her very well and I didn't know what she meant or why. When I hung up the phone, I went straight into my bedroom and cried. It was only at that moment that I realized the depth of my feelings of loss and rejection when my sister wife left our family. I had a wound that was still raw, but I had hidden it away deep inside, and this woman had just offered me something I didn't even know I needed, or wanted.

And I did want it. I wanted her to love me. (Please understand that I'm talking about emotional love. In no way does this love cross over into romantic/sexual love of another woman. That is not what plural marriage is about.)

With that kind of giving, no strings attached, we fell into a very comfortable friendship which allowed for us to examine our feelings for each other without fear or suspicion. The three of us got along like a house on fire. There were times when I watched her interact with my husband that I saw a different side of him with her than he was with me. He laughed a lot and was playful with her. He and I are more serious together. There was a little sting in that, when I recognized that she brought qualities to the relationship that I couldn't bring, but she was a giving person who encouraged me to explore new adventures right along with her. It gave me permission to laugh, too, and I took it as an invitation to play more myself.

She brought a gift to my marriage that stayed even though she didn't join our family. We still love each other in a natural and unconditional way that is unmarred by unrealistic expectations or demands. We love her because of who she is, regardless of what she does and where she ends up. And that's one commitment to each other that we don't intend to break.

When people ask me, "Why do you want to live polygamy?" Sometimes I smile and think of this woman who touched my life and my marriage for a short time, but left a lasting impression. That is just the beginning of the potential that a plural marriage can have. Why wouldn't I want that?