How can I show my wife?
So every once in a while my wife will ask me if I'm still looking at polygamy (usually when she sees me reading about it). Her response is usually something like: "I thought that you were done with that." or "If you go out to Utah to become a polygamist I'm not going with you!"
I think that she is mostly just scared that:
1) If I had a second wife that I would love the second more than I love her.
2) That a LDS member who becomes a polygamist is sentencing themselves to hell fire.
Aside from those concerns I think that she would benefit from and enjoy having a sister wife. She doesn't like to be alone, she doesn't like to be the one in charge, and she often is sad about not having any "friends" because everyone is to busy to be friends.
I suppose that my challenge is to help alleviate those concerns but I'm not sure how I can do that and then help her see the benefits and be able to accept the validity of polygamy. ???
Any sugestions?
Hello
Well I'm not in a polygamist relationship, ando don't intend to enter into one, at least in this life, but as a Mormon I have to learn to learn to accept and come to terms with the possibilites of living that lifestyle in the after life. After thinking about it...it is so easy to say I will never share my husband......with just anybody. Note the last part...When I start to think of my sister, or my best friend, or just any woman that I love and care about my feelings change. There are alot of women in my life who I love so much and I want to be happy, and if marrying my husband was their only ticket to happiness I'd gladly give it to em.
So if it were me, and my husband did want another wife...I'd have to have a better relationship with her than him. And I'd also demand a girl's night out a few days a week where we left our husband alone at home, maybe watch kids, while we went out and had a good time together...and let him have a taste of what it's like to be left alone. Of course I don't have to worry bout that in this life, but again as a mormon, I know just how I'm gonna deal with it in the next life. Me and my sister wives are gonna have to be best friends and love each other even more than that hot potato that we keep tossing around...so much so that we're jealous of the time he spends with one of them (not jealous of her spending time with him), because I wanna do something with her. I want us to be that tight!!! So that he's the one begging for attention! :)
I am sorry that she feels that way
Love is infinite and unfortunately she feels that love is diminished by polygamy. I believe that polygamy should be legal.
Perhaps she feels that she might be diminished by polygamy or pushed aside in favor of another wife. Islam has a saying if you can be just to them equally marry ye four wives. If you cannot be just to them all marry ye only one.
In Islam all wives must be treated the same you must love them all equally.
Polygamy is expensive to maintain as you will have multiple households but lets say that you wives all have jobs then you could pull it off. Love is infinite.
A sister wife should be a friend to the chief wife and not a rival. Since a celestial family is sealed to one another for all eternity.
It looks like your wife might be taken in by those who say that she would be turned out into the streets with nothing. Love is infinite. You need to remind your wife that she is well loved. Being part of a celestial family will not diminish her on the contrary the chief wife and the other wives should be like sisters and great friends.
Difficult for a Mormon
My wife and I were Mormon prior to becoming a polygamists (I have two wives). My first wife had many similar concerns as you've noted. It took a long time to get her used to the idea of polygamy, but she's very very happy with our lives now. I think perhaps having your wife talk to my first wife would be an excellent place to start. She can lend a female perspective to that even I couldn't articulate. I can discuss the things I did to get her used to the idea, but I can't tell you which of them actually did any good...perhaps none of it did, perhaps she just decided in her head that it was the right thing to do.
Anyway, if you'd like to connect the two of them feel free to e-mail me at moru3000@gmail.com and I'll get you my wifes e-mail.
The other point I wanted to make, is that you truly need to decide 'which' life you want to lead. If you are Mormon, you must realize that you cannot practice polygamy without being excommunicated. For me, the choice was an easy one, I love my wives too much to believe in a religion that wouldn't let us be together.
Both you and your wife need to be prepared to lose the church, potentially lose your friends, and even many members of your extended family. These are all sacrifices my wives and I had to make. All very worth it, and all very sad that the world is so closed minded.
Lose
"Both you and your wife need to be prepared to lose the church, potentially lose your friends, and even many members of your extended family. These are all sacrifices my wives and I had to make. All very worth it, and all very sad that the world is so closed minded."
Very well said, and sadly too true. I married as a third wife, so for me, the decisions was easy. I knew what I was getting in to and yes, I was a well educated adult at the time I married. My family took "it" pretty hard and to this day, 25 or so years later, the relationships I had with my step-siblings are changed. That said, the rewards so far outweigh any loss there is no comparison. The joy of our family is everyone loves each other and each year as the grown kids come home for holidays it is a sheer wonder to me - the amount of love.
You are very brave
Since like El's love is infinite. The same El or Yahweh who had multiple wives. I am deeply sorry that you lost friends. I personally believe that denying polygamy is against your constitutional rights since Muslims are Polygamous and may marry up to four wives if they can treat them all equally. I believe in the celestial family and that you can only have unlimited love. I am sorry that the church did not stay the course and stand up for the principle.
I am happy though that your extended family stands by one another. And that you are filled with love shows that you are in the right.
RE How can I tell my wife?
The sisterwives forum is also very good. As a male, I have found it very useful as a way of getting a female perspective on this subject. Maybe your wife can be persuaded to take a look:
www.sisterwives.yuku.com
www.sisterwives.yuku.com
www.sisterwives.yuku.com promotes bisexuality hard core be best if you kept your wife far from that site. In my opinion that site isnt about Polygyny at all but a anything goes sexually site.
I like your Christ
I do not like your Christians
They are so unlike your Christ
Ghandi
Thank you
Thank you for the warning Apostle. I think that I will stay far away from that site also.
I am LDS and posted here on the Mormon discussion forum because I was hoping to get suggestions and help to prepare her spiritually. I am not looking for nor do I think that I need any “tricks” to get her to consider an alternate lifestyle. I think that people should only enter into a polygamous marriage after much prayer and spiritual growth, and only through God’s authority.
I hope/believe that if my wife understood what celestial marriage was and gained a testimony of it that she would consent to it even embrace it. I have come to believe that it is my responsibility, not the church’s, to teach my wife and family the gospel. I was looking for subtle ways to get the discussion started, there have been times when I felt that the moment was right but I have been to timid to open my mouth and speak. I suppose that if I am to timid to speak and teach when the Spirit prompts me then I am not ready to advance in the gospel.
If I had no fear then I would sit down with my wife and study D&C section 132. I already have a relationship of trust with her so really all that I need to do would be to help her resolve her concerns and encourage her to pray about it and gain a testimony for herself. It sounds so simple and effortless when it is written down but oh the fear that creeps into my being over it. Yet I know the source of that fear!
Starting
John
A couple of things....
As far as a place to start....
Grab a copy of some of The Modern Prophets - by Living Scriptures (they are the ones that did the cartoons but these are documentaries)
John Taylor, Joseph F. Smith (2 videos), Lorenzo Snow - The three of these videos have an excellent look in to plural marriage and the early church. While it had been outlawed before the time of Joseph F. Smith's presidency, the video starts out with a photo of his family - can you say HUGE?
The sisterwives site I would agree would not be a good choice.
As a Mormon woman, may I say that many a Mormon women has come to a testimony of plural marriage by starting off trying to prove her husband wrong :)
Section 132 speaks for itself. A suggestion - there are 2 parts to 132 - #1 - The Law #2 - The Conditions of the Law
Print out a copy, use different color highlighters and separate The Law from The Conditions.
placing ploygamy more infront of your wife.
forrest in mich.
I've been around ploygamy for many years.
My experience tells me that the best way to have her remotly begin to understand the good of a sisterwife is to in some way find or cultivate her to have a new single "best friend". Hopefully u r of the personality to be a a part of this budding friendship. And the 3 of u get to go out and have fun together. dating if you will.And see( and steer if u can) how much she and the other female "bond". Hopefully in the proper emotional moment u will be able to give the both of them a hug! And maybe even a kiss to your wife on the lips and her friend on the cheek this time. Encourage then to be close, but also with you there too.
After any deeper than the norm emotional
"moment" have a frank low keyed discussion with your wife about it. let her come to the realization thats it's Ok to like another female with out being lesbians. The way polygamy works is that the three of you MUST fall in love with each other. In all 3 ways.
I've had it where the proposed sisterwife even KNEW what I was up to and my wife really didn't. Just be careful and have fun. I wished I was young enough to begin again at polygamy again. It just takes a very long time to properly get into a 3 way mutual equal love of a male and two females. Any more questions e me directly. best of luck. forrest
I have been thinking about
I have been thinking about this and I can only come up with one suggestion, and it certainly may not be what you are looking for.
If you have already tried to show your wife all the benefits of plural marriage, and found her friends in the plural community, and she is still not interested in pursuing it, then all I could suggest is to ask her to pray about it. If she receives revelation on it, then she will more than likely follow that counsel. If not, then, in my opinion, you belong to her and she to you, and it is best and kindest to respect that relationship. The Lord does not call everyone to live the principle of plural marriage. Some people may have a pure desire to live in a plural home, but it may be one of the trials of their life to have to live without it.
I hope everything works out for you.
Friends
Thank you Toni.
I agree that my wife and I are each others and I do respect and adore our relationship. However, I don't quite understand that the Lord does not call everyone to live the principal. If plural marriage is necessary for exaltation then it seems to me that everyone would be called to live at least the principal and also the practice. I do believe that for those people who accept the principal and do all that they can to live the practice that accommodations will be made, just as for those people who accept the gospel of Jesus Christ and live his teachings but have not been able to be baptized. If the Lord truly does not expect everyone to learn about and do all that they can to live any principal of the gospel then that principal is not necessary for exaltation. If plural marriage is/was not necessary for exaltation then the LDS church was not incorrect with stopping the practice and there would have been no reason for the revelations of John Taylor for the continuations of polygamy.
You did bring out an important option though and that was friends. I have not been able to find any polygamists in our area (Midwest / Kansas City). I think that this would be a great help to me with trying to teach my wife and get her to open up to the acceptance of a the validity of polygamy. The only contact that she has had with polygamists is an RM friend that became polygamist and a couple of LDS friends who have had siblings who have become polygamist from that she has heard and seen some exagerated negatives of becoming a polygamist.
I will continue to try to find people who believe in and practice polygamy to fellowship and build relationships with and do what I can to teach my WW about the principal. I feel that my teaching needs to be small and simple to start with even almost stealthful. I'm just not sure of the techniques that I need to use to teach her with out her rejecting the message and closing her mind.
Friends
I have been interested in Polygyny for close to 10 yrs now. I have lived it for a very short tim. Sadly the PM did not work out and that is because the first wife, really did not want polygyny, even tho she said she did. She made me leave after 4 months, beacuse she was very insecure and jealous. From what you have said your wife will never agree to polygyny. So its best that you do not persue it. What most men do not understand is that most women are never secure enough in themselves to accept PM.
Still a lot of water befor the dam...
Frannie,
Thank you very much for your insight. I am sorry that your PM did not work. I would feel terrible if a PM of mine own ended that way and would truly be very torn. I sometimes think of Sara and Hagar and how Abraham must have felt.
I do not think that my wife is secure enough with herself to accept PM. I suppose what worries me most at the moment is that we are at doctrinal or religious odds. Doctrine and religion are things that we have always agreed on; if we hadn't we would not have gotten married or been able to stay married for 20 years. I do not think that after 20 years and three children that our marriage will end because of these differences.
I had been thinking that with out PM I was damned. I still believe that PM is needed for spiritual growth and exaltation but I think that perhaps I have other issues to work on first. Like getting my wife and I on the same spiritual page and bolstering her self confidence and trust in the Lord. Now that I realize that many of the directions that the Lord has pointed us in throughout our lives seem to have more light.
This all adds to my testimony that the Lord truly does love each of us and is mindful of our situations and spiritual needs and progress and that he addresses those needs when we need his help. It also boosts my testimony that thru President John Taylor He did indeed provide a way for the fullness of his gospel and priesthood to continue.
It is like when Joseph Smith was praying to Heavenly Father in despair and was told all things will work to his (our) good. We are instructed to endure; many truly are called and few will be chosen. My goal is (or should be) to see that myself and wife, children, family, friends, neighbors, and others that the Lord directs me to will be among those chosen. I think that I understand a little more of what being the elect and kingdom of God is.
Thank you,
Reading materials
Sailor John
Well, where to start.. Unusual things you may not easily find
http://www.4thefamily.us/files/Plural%20Marriage%20References%20long.txt
That is a Long List of Plural Marriage Quotes. It is about 120 pages, if I remember, and contains quotes from early church leaders. While the first part is kind of dry, once you get in to it, amazing stuff.
While I don't yet have it on the site I would also suggest The Peace Maker - it was written by Mr. jacob, supposedly, however it was printed on Jospeh' press.
http://olivercowdery.com/smithhome/1840s/1842Udny.htm#comments
Hope that helps some.
Cheers!